The End is Near

Senior prom, graduation, freedom, summer, college, real world. It's all happening so fast. As children, we all look forward to this day, but do we ever stop to realize about all the work we're stressed to do when this year comes? I surely didn't. This whole year snuck up on me, surprised me, and zoomed right by me. My life flew by, and in fact it still is speeding past me. I'm so worried about college, and what my life will be like after I leave high school, once I leave this miserable town. I figured things would go much, much smoother. They didn't. I've had one job, that lasted only a month, I don't have a car, I live with my parents, who still don't get along, and I want to get out of here. I settled for a piece of shite community college in Corpus Christi, one of the crappiest cities I've ever lived in, because I just couldn't separate from my boyfriend, Patrick, quite obviously the love of my life. I still wonder what it would be like if I hadn't decided to stay. If I would've kept my plans to go off to college, far far away, and never look back. Right now, if I had the ability to take him with me, I'd still do it in a heartbeat. It's too late now though, we're so much alike except that he'd like nothing better than to stay close to his family, and I can't take that away from him, no matter how desperately I want out of here. I assume after he gets out of college at STVT it will be much easier to sway him to leave with me, maybe just out of this town at first, like to San Antonio or San Marcos, just away from HERE. I want to start MY life somewhere else. This isn't going to be the normal summer vacation anymore, from here on out it's hard work, cause the real world is coming to hit me in the face and I have to be prepared, whether that's what I want or not. We're not kids anymore, it's time to make our own beginnings, our own living, time to get our own place, and make our own family and I think there's a little part of me that's still terrified to accept it, a little part that's still afraid of the unknown. Who knows if I'll make it through college, if I'll get married, or if my marriage even lasts like I always dreamed I wanted it to. They say life is beautiful, but there's so much to worry about, so much that has the potential to kill us on the way, THAT is what I fear most. Not making something of the days I do have,of not being a good enough girlfriend, of not getting a good job so I can provide for my boyfriend, my future husband, my future children and myself, of falling down and not knowing how or when I'll get back up, if I'll be a good wife, a good nurse, a good mom a good person. If I'll be worth anything to anybody in 5 years, if my friends will still be as close to me as I remember, if I'll have no regrets about my life, if I'll be happy, if I'll struggle, if I'll prove myself and not be a failure like I'm so convinced that I am. I wanna know, and be sure. I don't want to go another day not knowing, nor do I want to wait a day longer to start living. We never realize how fast our life passes us by, but I hope this helps, I hope spilling this all out will get some of it off of my chest so I can move past it and stop letting it be a handicap. So my goal is to stop letting all the hype get to me, to calm down and breathe, to take a breather and enjoy what's left. No more lingering doubts and worries, just today in mind, because God-willing tomorrow will come.