Tugging at my Heart Strings

My life is...full of tears, and wonder and yearning. Full of stress and fear and anxiety. Life isn't ALWAYS worth living. Today, all life is about is money, which is sad, cause there are too many people living with not enough of it, so they won't live their life because of that deficiency. I wish I could go back to the times when everything was innocent, when money wasn't the issue, when I could sleep, and play and not worry about how I'll get anywhere, when my parents weren't fighting, when things were stable, when I knew what fun was, when I didn't worry if I'd make it another day in this world. Life is too much nowadays. As soon as humanly possible I want to get out of here, and get far far away at that. To escape everything that ever hurt me here and start all over. ANYWHERE but here. I can't say I can thank my parents for anything, they've been nothing but rude and inhospitable to me this year, so what thanks do they deserve other than the thanks for letting me live here long enough to meet my very serious boyfriend? They deserve none. So what, you may ask, got me through?


Well you'd never expect it to be a boy, would you? I know, typical of a lonely girl in yet another new town, but this is different. This isn't just a boyfriend situation anymore, this is more, much much more. Patrick Dmitri Mireles, love of my life, my psychologist, my keeper, my life support, the air I breathe and the light I see, the voice in my head that puts me at ease, the arms I run into when I'm scared, when I'm weak, when I can't stand on my own two feet again. He's my EVERYthing. I couldn't leave even if my life depended on it. Most people are brought together because of a crush or acceptance or physical beauty, but this was different, it's deep down inside of me like a magnet inside of me that can't help but to stay attached to the other side, and that's what we have. I can't stand to be away from him, because when I am, everything gets to me, like how lonely I really am, what horrible parents I have, and all the mistakes I've made and all the time I've wasted going through the same things over and over again. It also gives me time to realize what a pointless life I have, sitting at home waiting for another day to come. Waiting for something better to happen, but that day never comes. There's always arguing, there's always crying, there's always the feeling of hopelessness like I'll die before anything even comes close to getting better, before I get the chance to get out of here. But that's what he's for, he's there to reassure me, to put a smile on my face when the world wants to hang me upside down. But he's there, waiting for me, wanting to make me happy and be with me all the time. I don't even deserve half of what he gives me, but that's never stopped him, and all I have to thank for him is heaven. I know things will get better, somewhere far below my skin I believe it, but the wait is so long, I doubt I can make it most of the time. At least I have him though, my saviour, the one man who, to this day, has done all he could for me, through my best and worst. Thank you baby, you're my angel. I love you, always.

The End is Near

Senior prom, graduation, freedom, summer, college, real world. It's all happening so fast. As children, we all look forward to this day, but do we ever stop to realize about all the work we're stressed to do when this year comes? I surely didn't. This whole year snuck up on me, surprised me, and zoomed right by me. My life flew by, and in fact it still is speeding past me. I'm so worried about college, and what my life will be like after I leave high school, once I leave this miserable town. I figured things would go much, much smoother. They didn't. I've had one job, that lasted only a month, I don't have a car, I live with my parents, who still don't get along, and I want to get out of here. I settled for a piece of shite community college in Corpus Christi, one of the crappiest cities I've ever lived in, because I just couldn't separate from my boyfriend, Patrick, quite obviously the love of my life. I still wonder what it would be like if I hadn't decided to stay. If I would've kept my plans to go off to college, far far away, and never look back. Right now, if I had the ability to take him with me, I'd still do it in a heartbeat. It's too late now though, we're so much alike except that he'd like nothing better than to stay close to his family, and I can't take that away from him, no matter how desperately I want out of here. I assume after he gets out of college at STVT it will be much easier to sway him to leave with me, maybe just out of this town at first, like to San Antonio or San Marcos, just away from HERE. I want to start MY life somewhere else. This isn't going to be the normal summer vacation anymore, from here on out it's hard work, cause the real world is coming to hit me in the face and I have to be prepared, whether that's what I want or not. We're not kids anymore, it's time to make our own beginnings, our own living, time to get our own place, and make our own family and I think there's a little part of me that's still terrified to accept it, a little part that's still afraid of the unknown. Who knows if I'll make it through college, if I'll get married, or if my marriage even lasts like I always dreamed I wanted it to. They say life is beautiful, but there's so much to worry about, so much that has the potential to kill us on the way, THAT is what I fear most. Not making something of the days I do have,of not being a good enough girlfriend, of not getting a good job so I can provide for my boyfriend, my future husband, my future children and myself, of falling down and not knowing how or when I'll get back up, if I'll be a good wife, a good nurse, a good mom a good person. If I'll be worth anything to anybody in 5 years, if my friends will still be as close to me as I remember, if I'll have no regrets about my life, if I'll be happy, if I'll struggle, if I'll prove myself and not be a failure like I'm so convinced that I am. I wanna know, and be sure. I don't want to go another day not knowing, nor do I want to wait a day longer to start living. We never realize how fast our life passes us by, but I hope this helps, I hope spilling this all out will get some of it off of my chest so I can move past it and stop letting it be a handicap. So my goal is to stop letting all the hype get to me, to calm down and breathe, to take a breather and enjoy what's left. No more lingering doubts and worries, just today in mind, because God-willing tomorrow will come.